For some, this Friday the 13th may be especially horrifying.
Not because of triskaidekaphobia, that irrational fear of the number thirteen.
Because this Friday the 13th means only twelve days until Christmas.
Even Amazon’s same day delivery (not available in all areas) can’t save someone who hasn’t a clue what to order.
Ordinarily, my family helps me shop. They give me lists of things they’d actually like to get for Christmas.
Otherwise, they risk getting something else. Our ideas on “perfect gifts” don’t always jibe.
I mean, who would expect a son-in-law to want a smart watch instead of the 3,740-piece, all- wood replica steam engine kit I’d bought for him months in advance.
Thankfully, my wife expected it. She bought I’m a smart watch. And knowing my love of gadgets, she thoughtfully gave both of us smart watches.
And I enjoyed putting the 3,740-piece all-wood, replica internal combustion engine kit together. According to the timer in my smart watch, it only took me three months to put it (mostly) together.
Any thought of being a great “gifter” was squashed after gave my daughter a puppy that bit everyone he ever met - except me. He was “the Christmas present gone bad.”
My gift giver standing never recovered.
But in my defense, I’ve never offered a steam iron, vacuum cleaner or household appliance as a Valentine’s Day present.
“Useful” and “gifting” don’t pair if I’m doing the shopping. Unfortunately “taste” and “blindness” do.
All women, I’d been advised, love jewelry. OK, I thought, I can make that work.
Somehow, the massive silver and turquoise squash blossom necklace I thought awesome in Arizona didn’t have the same impact when my wife opened it in Alabama.
I’ve brought home other travel gifts to the same response a cat gets when it thoughtfully brings home a mostly-dead rattlesnake.
But I’ve learned from my misfires. That, in gift-speak, “how thoughtful” means “hope there’s a gift receipt.” Or “it’s the thought that counts” really means “what were you thinking?”
There’s one phrase that’s needs no translation. “You shouldn’t have” means exactly that - you shouldn’t have.
But you did.
Here, on the next-to-last Friday before Christmas are my best shopping tips: 1) always get the gift receipt, and 2) remember Amazon’s return period gives your lucky gift recipients until the end of January to find something they wish you had given them.
Triskaidekaphobic? Not me.
I’m feeling so lucky today, I may go shopping. Just not alone.
Like fishing and hunting, going alone can mean trouble.
Don’t do it.
— Jim Shepherd